Not knowing what to write for my first post, I have decided to dive straight in and get the awkwardness out of the way by addressing how unimportant my blog posts are/will be.
I am not famous. I am not an established individual. No one Googles me. In fact, since the day that I fell out of my mother, I have had zero impact on every single important thing that has happened in the world.
I’m writing blog posts to see if I like writing blog posts. If I’m no good at writing blog posts then I will stop writing said blog posts and get back to doubting my own self worth, before moving swiftly onwards into a pit of despair, finishing with a spectacular shame-spiral right the way down to a record low level of self-esteem.
On that depressing note I am now going to shift the focus onto others and shit on them to make me look good.
This was just going to be a standalone “HI EVRY1 I HAV A BLOG” post, but I have now decided to segue into Twitter and what annoys me about it, as it just so happens to link in nicely with the point that I was making about how unimportant me and my opinions are.
Just to preface my upcoming complaints; Twitter is a genius idea and I’m mad that I didn’t come up with it, so as a result there’s a bitterness in me that makes me angrier about Twitter-related things than is probably warranted/healthy.
What Twitter has done is it has brought everybody to the same level. Celebrities are now approachable because we, the common folk, can instantly contact anyone with a Twitter account and even expect a reply of them. We can gain an insight into their everyday lives and build a better picture of their personality from their opinionated tweets.
It all seems fun and dandy, that is until you witness the effect that this “levelling of the playing field” has on retarded people with retarded opinions.
Imagine the image: all of a sudden the platform being used by idols of yours to express their views is open to you, and the illusion that, in the same way that thousands can care about Kim K tweeting that she’s taking a dump (hypothetically speaking), so too can thousands care about your unimportant regular person dump.
In “getting to know” your idols better, you now understand that “they’re just like me!”, and this gives you further confidence to spout your meaningless crap.
All the while the dream of Twitter success is dangled (carrot on a stick-like) so tantalisingly close to your nose in the form of other boring, irrelevant dopes who’ve hit the jackpot with that one, golden-ticket tweet. Twitter’s version of from rags to riches, which equates to someone saying one clever thing once and getting that clever tweet retweeted more times than what they are used to.
Pair these things with a 140 character limit and an app that allows you to tweet from your phone and I’m now 40% more likely to go on one of those “before he turned the gun on himself” rampages. Retarded people with retarded opinions are now not only forced to compress their opinions into bite-size chunks (which almost indefinitely restricts their available tweeting-topics to the unbelievably mundane), but they are given the means to publish these tweets as often as their stupid thumbs are capable of bashing them out.
It’s not to say that there aren’t interesting tweeters who emerge from the bunch, or indeed the occasional “golden-ticket” tweet that makes you chuckle, it’s just that the notion of someone assuming that 140 character updates of their meaningless irrelevant-human-being-day have any value at all is mind-numbingly irritating.
Maybe it’s just because I’m a horrible person, but the only instances of Twitter that, in my eyes, redeem it of its shortcomings are when trolls come out from the woods to stir things up. Trolls in general are a faint ray of hope in a deep, dark internet of morons. My spirits lift slightly every time I see a heartfelt tweet met with horrible trolling; it’s a sign that some people out there are also annoyed, and are taking comfort in upsetting those who are annoying them. A petty, but oh so satisfying deed.
In summary, no one gives a shit what anyone insignificant has to say on twitter unless it’s an original, interesting and genuinely well thought out opinion. 99.99% of tweets are not.
And thus, with my first post, I have managed to undermine my own blog by discrediting irrelevant people’s opinions.
An appropriately shitty start.